


We Were Beautiful

by dxndelixns



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Break Up Talk, Closure, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, KaiSoo - Freeform, M/M, Moving On, Past Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 22:53:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17272676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dxndelixns/pseuds/dxndelixns
Summary: Prompt: Four years ago, Kyungsoo had broken up with his girlfriend of eight years because he found out that she cheated on him for a guy she had known for eight days. Kyungsoo, now on his 30s, agrees to be set up for a blind date and agreed mainly 'to forget'. He showed up on the blind date, knowing only one thing about her - that she wanted 'to remember'. It turns out that his date was his ex girlfriend of eight years, who doesn't seem to know him at all. A meeting of someone who wants to forget and someone who wants to remember.For The Little Prince Fic Fest, a Kyungsoo-centric fic fest! <3





	We Were Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt says "girlfriend", but the prompter has stated that it could be of any Kyungsoo x EXO ship so I made this one KaiSoo.

Green glasses clink against each other as Kyungsoo puts down his third bottle of soju for the night. Nights have always been like this as long as he could remember, one too many gulps of the liquid poison that slowly numbs him. He doesn't drink with anyone, though, opting to let himself out late from work just to skip the people that would chat with him until he gets on the bus; and then silence.

Kyungsoo hates that silence and would rather the continuous buzz from the drink let him sleep, albeit dreamless. He orders another bottle as he both curses and resigns to the fate that he gave himself. Hands cover his face as his breaths ragged and full of self-loathing. Each exhale was almost like a chore. Round, owl-like eyes are red, cheeks flushed. As he runs his hand through his hair to cover just how much he's disheveled right now, Kyungsoo belatedly remembers that it's the 13th. Everything falls apart yet again as for the nth time he silently cries as he remembers what it was like before everything: before the worst came and ravaged the remaining parts of him. He loses himself within the memories that wanted itself to be known.

He regains himself after a moment, letting the memories fade once more in the dark to be rekindled again once he lets it.

He doesn't remember how he got back home but in the morning he wakes up with a hangover. He's glad that he didn't have to go back to his parent's house tonight. He feels like a total train wreck and he might break down in front of his parents if prompted by the slightest trigger. After much grunting and fighting with reasons to not getting up, he fixes himself coffee and drinks one of the hangover medicines he has stacked on his counter. Today is a Saturday and thank God for that because he cannot bear another day trying to make it seem like he's really fine. For four years he's been feigning interest in the matters around him in the world he is supposed to be a part o but now that he's just turned thirty, he couldn't care less. For four years he's been lying to himself that he's okay. It took him four years to realize that he wasn't.

It started with sleepless nights full of questions, of doubts that slowly crept into the psyche of who was once a confident, strong, young man. He never talked to anyone about it, never let his anxious feelings toward himself get in the way. It slowly ate up what remained of him inside. Lingering questions were left unanswered because nobody would dare answer it, or him. He’d usually smile through questions of whether he was fine or not. Now, he can’t even smile at all. One could reason that the time was too long for him to have not moved on, but Kyungsoo thinks, when you’ve truly, deeply loved someone for eight years, dedicated your life in thinking that person is The One, is there really such a thing as moving on?

Eyes stare out at the park just outside, wanting to grab some fresh air. Kyungsoo sighs for a moment before changing into a comfortable pair of shorts and a shirt to buy some groceries as his stash is depleting. He puts on a cap and goes to the grocery early to dodge the late goers in the afternoon. His college friends, all three of them, wanted to meet with Kyungsoo and he doesn’t have the heart to say no for the third time so he agreed. Now he’s slightly regretting the decision but still excited for the reunion. Maybe it can take his mind off the present.

He enters the grocery store with his head down, holding an eco-bag with one hand and his keys with another. He walks to where the baskets are and occupies himself with thinking more about the reunion later. This is one of the few days that he will let down his guard and inhibitions — it’s been so long since he’s been with people who understand his situation and make him feel safe. Before he could take out a basket, however, a hand shoots out from next to him, taking the basket that was supposed to be his and mutters a “Sorry”.

He’d know that voice even in a crowded room. It haunts him even in his most beautiful dreams.

Kyungsoo snaps his head up and looks at the retreating figure. His hands start feeling clammy, his breath becoming rugged and his eyes blinking quickly. He wanted so much for it to be a dream. Kyungsoo thinks to himself, _you can’t lose it here in a grocery_ , so he takes a deep breath and forces himself to think about other things, other songs, other stories, rather that the person who snatched up not only the basket in front of him but his everything. He walks with his head down and quickly scans through the aisles to see which things he should and should not get. He mutters, _only the essentials, no more and no less_. In about fifteen minutes flat he is done shopping. Not once did he bump into the person he both wanted and hated to see the most. Just as he proceeds to the counter, a person cuts in front of him, quickly dumping the things that he bought.

“Sorry; I’m in a bit of a hurry.” The person in front of him says while smiling apologetically at the cashier who only smiles back and does her job. Kyungsoo behind him with his head still hung low slowly backs out of the line and walks swiftly toward the self-checkout instead. He chooses to steal glances once in a while as the silence is pierced by the constant beeping and whirring of machines.

Jongin hasn’t changed since Kyungsoo last saw him.

He’s still sloppy, Kyungsoo thinks as he swings the bag on his hand lightly. He always has been rushing to things because he’s always been late. He’d say sorry, but he’s not that sorry — he always had reasons that, when you think about it, make real perfect sense. The only thing that Kyungsoo cannot understand about him was the one thing that Jongin himself did not provide a suitable argument to. With a sigh, the petite man in black realizes that he’s back at his apartment and that he has to get ready for lunch and, later, meeting with his friends. Hopefully that will take his head out of what just happened earlier.

“Hey, look who actually came!” His friend, Baekhyun, shouts over the noise as Kyungsoo makes his way through the _samgyupsal_ place they frequented as college students. The smaller smiles as he sees his friends drinking and having fun, hoping that they could at least give him some of their happiness to share.

“You’re still loud.” Kyungsoo chuckles, taking a seat beside Baekhyun. “How are you doing?”

“How are _you_ doing?” Chanyeol, in front of him, muses. “It’s been long since we heard from you; have you been well? You look a little thinner than I remember. You don’t look like a stress ball anymore, I’m sad.”

Kyungsoo smiles gently while giving a swift kick on the shin to Chanyeol who groans in pain. “I’ve been well, thank you very much.” Everyone at the table laughs; it’s like their college days all over again. Tonight, Kyungsoo shuns all of his insecurities and problems aside for a proper night out with his friends.

The owner still remembers them and gives them extra portions of the meat to share which they do happily. They catch up with each other: Kyungsoo learns that Sehun, the other guy on the table, has a girlfriend he is planning to propose to which excites Baekhyun and Chanyeol to no end. The two tease Sehun relentlessly while round eyes watch quietly, his lips keeping a genuine smile, for once. His friends know better than to incite him in some banter that might end with one or all of them getting the same fate as Chanyeol had, so they let their friend in silence, filling it with their stories. Kyungsoo is grateful that he at least has friends that understand him and berates himself over not being able to keep proper means of communication with them.

“Yo, Kyung. Eat some more. I’m serious; you look thin.” Chanyeol says as he places another slice of meat on his friend’s plate.

“I’m fine, Chanyeol. Eat up yourself, will you.”

Baekhyun wraps his arms around Kyungsoo’s shoulder, pulling him close. Kyungsoo gently jabs his elbow on the other’s side, commenting “You too, Baekhyun, eat up some more!”

Sehun smiles as he reaches out to ruffle Kyungsoo’s hair. “ _Hyung_ , I’m really glad you can make it out tonight. We really missed you.”

The night progresses quick along with the food they eat and the bottles of soju they’ve emptied. By the third bottle, three of them are flushed, drunk enough to sing loudly (thank God Baekhyun has a good voice). Kyungsoo watches them with mirth in his eyes, remembering that he always was the soberest of the three when they drink. By the fourth, Sehun is forcibly taking Kyungsoo’s phone from his hands and punching a number.

“I know, I know — you don’t do blind dates, but you should at least meet people, Kyungsoo _hyung_. It’s not healthy holing up and only getting out once in a while. You have a life to live too, you know? You don’t get to mope around just because one person made the stupid mistake of letting you go. You deserve happiness too.”

Everyone in the table goes silent. Baekhyun flashes a glare towards Sehun’s way, looking at Kyungsoo with worry. Sehun retorts back with, “But it’s true!” before Chanyeol clamps a hand over the younger’s mouth. _I can’t ruin this night_ , Kyungsoo thinks, so he nods and pries his phone away from Sehun’s hands. “I know, Sehun.” He answers. “I’ll call, really I will.”

As the four part with promises to keep in touch and do this again soon, Kyungsoo saves the number under “Sehun’s friend” and reminds himself to at least call, when he can. For his friends.

He never calls, however; it was Sehun who does, and he calls Kyungsoo with news that he has set up a blind date for him.

“Sehun—“ Kyungsoo starts to reason but Sehun cuts him off.

“I shouldn’t have done this and I’m sorry, but I can’t let you off like this, hyung. I’m not Chanyeol or Baekhyun who’s afraid; I know you’re more scared. If you don’t want to talk to me again, then fine. Just please do this for yourself. Not for me, but for yourself. Please.”

Kyungsoo sighs and closes his eyes. “Alright, what should I know about her?”

“It’s…a him, hyung.”

“What?”

“It’s a him.” Sehun says, glad for his friend saying yes. “I know, hyung. We all know. We also know that your past flings have been girls and they haven’t been exactly working in your way. So yeah, it’s a him.”

“What else?”

“He wants to remember. That’s all he told me.”

“Remember what, exactly?” Kyungsoo asks, curious.

“Being in love, he said. But I don’t know. Maybe something else?”

“Did you tell him my name?”

“Nope. It’s a _blind date_ for Chrissakes. I gotta run, hyung, thanks!”

The line went dead and Kyungsoo stares on the phone on his hand, both feeling incredulous and relieved at the same time. At least, he wasn’t letting down his friends again but there is a sinking feeling in his stomach as he starts thinking about who he ran to earlier. Memory has a funny way of reminding him of _it_ , and this time it was a phone call from his friend.

 _It_ was also a phone call that broke him.

_They walked home from the bus station that night. Both were tired from the countless job interviews they attended that day. Jongin was especially quiet, his hands on his pockets and his head hung low. The messenger bag hung around his body, bouncing limply on his hip. Kyungsoo looked straight ahead, his bag hanging on his shoulder and his steps sure._

_“Hey.” Kyungsoo said as he noticed his boyfriend being too quiet. “What’re you thinking about?”_

_“Nothing.” Jongin replied curtly. The smaller of the two nudged the other gently, hoping to create a friendly atmosphere rather than a hostile, tense one._

_“Don’t worry; there’ll be something for you. For the both of us.”_

_“I—“ Jongin sighed, “I’m tired today, Kyungsoo. Can we not?”_

_Kyungsoo became irked. He’s tired too, if Jongin hasn’t noticed. “I know,” he said, keeping his voice level, “I was with you the whole day, remember? Don’t lash out on me.”_

_They walk in silence for a few moments before Jongin says, “I’m here.” He stopped nearer to his apartment than to Kyungsoo’s. Lately he made it a point to not accompany Kyungsoo, always stopping nearer to his apartment. Kyungsoo sighs, reminding himself that tomorrow he’s going to talk to his boyfriend about what was happening between them._

_“Alright, seeing as you won’t accompany me back to my apartment, we better call it a night.” Kyungsoo takes Jongin’s hand; the other doesn’t react to it, just simply looked at their entwined fingers with a sigh. The older of the two was half expecting an apology that never came. He leaned forward, meaning to give Jongin a kiss on the lips: but Jongin swerved his head the last minute, letting Kyungsoo’s lips touch his cheek instead._

_“Right. See you.” Jongin said, letting go of Kyungsoo’s hand and walking inside. The petite man was left staring at the door, blinking slowly. His stomach sank and his heart beat too fast for his liking, as he started to walk away. He was two streets from Jongin’s apartment when his phone rang. It was Jongin, and he answered it with a hopeful heart, knowing that Jongin might have thought that he was being too harsh these days._

_“Hey, Kyungsoo.” Jongin’s voice rang through every fiber of Kyungsoo’s being. Jongin merely saying Kyungsoo’s name still sent shivers down the other’s spine, even after all this time._

_“Hey— Want me to go back? Is there something you wanna say, because I’m still near.” Kyungsoo starts walking back when Jongin frantically says, “No, no please. I... do have something to tell you.”_

_Kyungsoo’s stomach turned. He did not stop walking back, though._

_“Alright, not walking back. What is it?” He lied. He heard a sigh on the other end, then Jongin pacing. He knew when Jongin paced when he talked over the phone; he just knew._

_“I don’t know how to say this...” Jongin started just as Kyungsoo was one street away. Halting his tracks, Kyungsoo closed his eyes as a wave of nausea threatened to come over him. He can’t do this over the phone, can he? This isn’t the Jongin he knew and loved._

_“What, Jongin?” Kyungsoo said, walking faster. “What is it?”_

_Just as he reached the front door, meaning to knock, Jongin drops it._

_“I’m sorry... It wasn’t how I wanted it to go... I didn’t want to hurt you, ever, Kyungsoo, I’m so sorry I’m lying right now to you. You don’t deserve this.”_

_Kyungsoo took a step back, like the words physically pushed him away. “What the hell is it, Jongin? Tell me!”_

_“I’m so sorry, Kyungsoo...” Between deep sighs, Kyungsoo heard it._

_“I’m sorry I cheated.”_

_His knees buckled under him, and he was left sitting on the ground, his eyes trained on Jongin’s door, as tears streamed down his face and his heart shattered to pieces.  He ended the call right away and flinched when his phone buzzed, a message from Jongin seemingly taunting him._

_“Let’s talk tomorrow, please?”_

_Angrily, Kyungsoo wiped his tears and answered the message. “What is there to talk about?”_

_The message that came afterwards was enough to break Kyungsoo to pieces._

_“We can’t break up like this.”_

_He did eventually agree into meeting Jongin the next day. Kyungsoo waited in front of Jongin’s apartment, his eyes cast downwards and his feet shuffling slightly. When Jongin opened the door, Kyungsoo looked at Jongin’s eyes and saw..._

_Nothing._

_There was no ounce of regret in his eyes, no shame over what he did. It was as if Jongin had been waiting for this chance to get out of Kyungsoo’s life for once and for all. Kyungsoo could never forget that._

_Before Jongin could speak, Kyungsoo steeled himself and asked first. “Who was it?”_

_“Wow, no hellos?” Jongin said, his voice hollow. “If you really want to know. It’s the girl I was talking to you about. We kind of hit it off since we met, and… frankly I don’t see us going anywhere, Kyungsoo. We were stagnant in this relationship. Maybe it’s time that we meet other people and create new experiences for the both of us. I’m sorry that it had to come to this.”_

_Jongin had the decency to look abashed while saying this, but Kyungsoo knew better. There was nothing left for him, nothing of the Jongin that he loved. That he loves, still._

_“When did you meet?” Kyungsoo asks, his voice still level._

_“About, two weeks ago? Like I said, we hit it off pretty quickly and it’s been something I’ve been meaning to tell you but never got around to do so until yesterday.”_

_“Do I mean nothing to you now?”_

_Jongin looked stricken by this question, Kyungsoo noticed. He waited, and waited, and waited for an answer. But the other merely sighed, although his gaze softened a little._

_“You’ll always have a special place in my heart, Kyungsoo, but it’s time for us to face the music, that we’re not who we were when we started. Let’s both put this as a good memory and move on, alright?”_

_“Did I do something wrong?” Kyungsoo could hardly believe that he just asked that, of all the cliché questions, but he did. Jongin did not respond, which the other took to be an answer in itself. Kyungsoo nodded and started to walk backwards, memorizing Jongin as he knew him._

_He walked away, hearing the door close behind him. Kyungsoo did not cry after that._

Kyungsoo sighs as the memory reminds him of that day again, when Jongin decided enough for the both of them. This time, he swears he will do his best not to make this end like that again. He’s going to make this work. Thirty’s not just a number for age; for Kyungsoo this is his time to prove to himself that he’s worthy of something, of someone. That he’s mature enough to love and be loved.

Kyungsoo wakes up on Saturday with familiar bottles lying around. Belatedly remembering that today was the day that Sehun set for the blind date, he takes a shower immediately and eats hangover soup and medicine to relieve himself of the pain. Last night, as he recalled for the last time the hurt and pain that was inflicted on him, he cried. Kyungsoo cried for all the time that he had lost mulling over the only thing that he knew he couldn't change. He cried for the self that he lost years ago to a heartache he could never come back from. As he puts on his clothes, he promises himself that last night will be the last time that he will drink his sorrows away, and he knows that he keeps his promises until the last dot.

Sehun texted him the location on where he and his blind date would meet earlier. Heading towards the direction of the restaurant, Kyungsoo is struck by how new yet familiar the feeling is of going out, blind dates, meeting people outside his comfort zone. He stops for a moment and takes a deep breath, his lips stretching to a heart shaped smile. Kyungsoo feels he is ready, finally, to move on from the hurt.

The petite man reaches the restaurant in no time and sits on a table near the window. Fifteen minutes more until they meet but he's feeling genuinely happy in the first time in years; hopeful, even, that by starting small like this he will be able to be ready to face the world properly. Maybe today he can heal himself. Maybe today he can forget.

Then there was a quiet moment where Kyungsoo looks outside and sees someone stopping in their tracks, staring dead right into his eyes. His pulse quickens, his palms suddenly feel clammy and his smile falters. Jongin, on the other hand, blinks rapidly and tilts his head at Kyungsoo. He enters the restaurant with a smile, though. When Kyungsoo reciprocates the smile with a cold gaze, Jongin stops and sits down opposite him.

"I'm waiting for someone." Kyungsoo manages to say without stammering.

"I'm pretty sure you're waiting for me." Jongin replies, no hesitation evident in his voice. Kyungsoo closes his eyes, frustration running through him. His hands curl into fists on his lap and he takes another deep breath to calm himself down. Even after everything, though, his heart betrays him by beating much too fast like it was ecstatic to meet Jongin again.

"Why would you even think that I'm waiting for you?" Kyungsoo says in annoyance. He meets Jongin's eyes and, yet again, his mind closes in on those two orbs that stare at him intensely. He's been afraid to admit it to himself but Kyungsoo had been so afraid of staring at Jongin's eyes, afraid that he would never be able to muster the strength to look away. Round eyes look away for a moment, blinking slowly.

Jongin takes out his phone and shows it to Kyungsoo. "As far as I'm concerned, Sehun had set us up here." He shows the other the text messages and while it was true that Sehun did not say Kyungsoo's name, he texted the exact same details to Jongin which proves that, indeed, he was Kyungsoo's blind date.

Silence surrounds them again, but this time the tension is palpable. Kyungsoo opens the menu and so does Jongin and immediately Kyungsoo knows that Jongin is going to order chicken, and he's going to order pasta. If they were still together, Kyungsoo would have halved the pasta and shared it with Jongin. The other would have shared the chicken and they would each get better servings. That's exactly what they ordered, and Kyungsoo silently feels like he's back at the start again, only this time it was a twisted kind of start where the end is the beginning.

Kyungsoo looks around the restaurant while waiting for their food, avoiding looking at Jongin at all costs. There were a few silent moments more before Jongin asks, "How are you, Kyungsoo?", breaking the ice. Immediately Kyungsoo chuckles hollowly, a cold smirk on his lips as he trains his gaze outside. He tries hard not to glare at the person in front of him, but ends up doing just that as he answers.

"Honestly? I have never been fine." And at last, there, he says it to the one person that knows. He hates that fact, though. "You should know damn why."

"That..." Jongin starts, then pauses for a moment. "I'm sorry."

"For what, exactly?" Kyungsoo snaps.

"For everything."

"Don't be. I'm not." Kyungsoo answers, almost a whisper. Then, louder: "I'm not sorry for everything." He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, feeling the release. After everything, Kyungsoo realized that he did not, and does not regret the fact that Jongin broke his heart.

"You haven't changed one bit." Jongin comments. Kyungsoo's eyes snap open and he looks at the person in front of him, still fidgeting wtih his hands. "Did you know I used to be so intimidated by you that I couldn't look you in the eyes?"

The tension suddenly disappeared from the air, and Kyungsoo creased his brows in confusion. What is Jongin trying to do, easing up the conversation like this? The food arrives just as Kyungsoo opens his mouth to reply. They both stare at the food in front of them, Kyungsoo almost wanting to share the pasta with Jongin but does otherwise. He picks up his fork and starts eating in silence, not waiting for Jongin who hesitates for a moment before starting to eat too. Silence envelopes the two, only the clattering of utensils against the plate heard. Kyungsoo looks at Jongin eating for a moment, then says what he was about to say earlier.

"Now you have the best seat in the house to watch me be miserable. Good for you." Kyungsoo replies scathingly.

"Look— I'm trying here, Soo." The mere mention of what was once his nickname sends shivers. It has been so long, and hearing it from Jongin felt so good, yet so wrong. "Could you at least be civil to me here? Even just for this time?"

A hollow chuckle passes by Kyungsoo’s lips. “Are you fucking kidding me? 'm being civil here by not walking out the moment you sat in front of me."

"Can we then at least talk without you being snappy?"

For some reason, this was the one question that made Kyungsoo lose all his self-control. "You have no idea how much you hurt me, do you." Kyungsoo said through gritted teeth, his fists clenching on the fork on his hand. It wasn't a question; it was Kyungsoo's observation over everything that happened and both of them knew that. "You don't get to tell me what to do, not now."

"It's been four years, Kyungsoo—" Jongin tried to reason out, reaching his hand out to touch the person in front of him, but Kyungsoo quickly dodged. He could feel his cheeks burning, his curled fists wanting to hit something, anything, just to release this pain and anger he's feeling. Kyungsoo releases the fork and hits his thigh instead, biting his lower lip harshly before speaking.

"Don't you dare — you have no right—" the doe eyed boy spats, eyes glistening with tears that dared to be shed, "no fucking right to touch me, not now."

"Kyungsoo—"

"That was the fucking problem, Jongin. It's been four years and yet for years I've berated myself over it. You didn't think I would know —“ Kyungsoo took a deep breath, as if to calm himself, but the words he said were full of venom. “You gave up eight years for eight days, Jongin. For four years I've been thinking, what did I do wrong? Did I say something? Was I too much for you? Was I holding you too close that you weren’t able to breathe? Was I not worthy? Answer me, please." Kyungsoo pleads, his voice cracking. A tear escaped his eyes, and others followed. He closes his eyes and all the others streamed down his face, his hands trying hard to wipe them off his face. They never stopped, though.

Jongin suddenly looked hurt, his hands on the table. “Don’t you say that, Kyungsoo. We both knew that the reason we didn’t work was because of me.”

“Then why? You still haven’t answered any of my questions.” There was a hint of sadness, an almost melancholic smile on Kyungsoo’s lips. .“You never even asked me whether I was willing to work things out for you, for us. You just decided that it was time that we put our relationship to end.”

"I was naive, Kyungsoo. I was scared." Jongin sighs with this admission. "You're the first person I've loved like that. You know how I was like during high school. You, of all people, should've fucking know better."

Kyungsoo shakes his head in disbelief. He cannot accept that this was the reason that Jongin chose eight days over eight years. He knew it was different as he could never forget Jongin's eyes as he offered to break up first. "After all this time you choose to lie to my face than tell me the truth."

"I'm not lying!" Jongin shouts, the other customers be damned. He also curls his fists and breathes heavily, closing his eyes. Both fists bang once on the table. Kyungsoo is startled; his eyes widen in surprise over the outburst. He could hear Jongin mutter, "I'm not lying, I'm not lying" over and over again.

Kyungsoo is overcome by the feeling of comforting Jongin, of telling the other that he is wrong. Stop, Kyungsoo thinks. Don't do this.

"I-I'm sorry." he offers finally.

"Don't be." Jongin answers, still looking at his lap. Kyungsoo opens his mouth to speak, but Jongin cuts him off. "I was scared that I was falling in too deep, too fast. I didn't know what to do so I resorted to the me before you came along.”

Jongin remained silent, looking at his hands that were gripping each other tightly. They both relished in the silence for a moment, just the sounds of Kyungsoo’s deep breaths and Jongin’s foot tapping lightly onto the floor heard.

“You have to understand too, Soo, I'm not the only one to blame here." Jongin started, looking up at Kyungsoo with red-rimmed eyes brimming with tears. In that moment Kyungsoo feels weak, the sound of his wildly beating heart drowning in the words that Jongin uttered. It was the silence after that prompted Jongin to continue.

"Did you think that I didn't try? Soo, you barely had time for me." Jongin's voice was soft, as if afraid to hurt Kyungsoo more, but at the same time ringing of truth. "Didn't you think I tried to understand the many reasons you had because you missed our dates? Didn't you think I tried to understand why you suddenly became cold and quiet to me? Why you treated me like I'm just someone you could ignore and come back to? I'm not dumb, Kyungsoo. I was scared, but I was willing to face my fears for you. I didn't think you can do that for me, too. I know you deserve someone better, I still do. A part of me always knew that I was always going to be this fuck-up. That's what I did what I did. I'm not trying to justify what I did because clearly, that was wrong. I'm just telling you my side."

The thing is, Kyungsoo knows he's also to blame because he had a part in fucking things up with Jongin. It was then that it dawns on Kyungsoo that he was beating himself up, that's why he's regularly drinking or why he's being too drawn from the world.

"You should've understood me before going off on some other person." Kyungsoo says after a moment.

“I understood you. You were always closing up whenever I get too damn near your walls. The moment you let one down, you let another guard up. I tried, Kyungsoo. I really did. I stuck it with you because I thought that someday, you’ll let me in to who you really are, without pretenses, without whatever that was bothering you. I thought you would let me help you fight your battles. When I figured that it was just too much for you, I stopped because I can’t bear the thought of you pushing me away, again. It’s a vicious cycle. The question is, did you understand me too?”

“So you pushed me away, instead. You just gave up on me.”

“No, Kyungsoo— _you_ gave up on me.”

Nobody talks for a moment, looking outside. In Kyungsoo's mind ran the times that he had to call to Jongin because he was missing their dates because of org work, or the times that he ran late because he had to cover shifts in his part-time work. During that time, he thought that he was working for their future, and that he was doing everything he can to have a stable job, a better life for them when the right time comes. Then he remembers the time when Jongin started being cold to him, started avoiding their talks and started being glued to his phone. Kyungsoo had doubts even then that something was happening between them, something that he desperately wanted to shrug off as some wrong intuition. They still went on dates, Kyungsoo still ran late but Jongin stopped caring. Whenever he said sorry, Jongin would automatically say "It's fine" then later on not even care. That day, while job-hunting, was the last straw, apparently.

Then Kyungsoo suddenly remembers the time that he himself stopped trying, long before Jongin started backing off. He stopped replying on the dot as soon as he received Jongin’s messages. Jongin was clingy, he knew that much, but he always forgets that the moment that more stress start going his way. He would ask Jongin to wait for hours at a time because he had to do something else. Kyungsoo always thought that he’d always be forgiven, anyway, so what’s the use of grand gestures to say sorry? Saying sorry through text was enough. He had things to do, work that was piling up.

There was one time that Kyungsoo forgot, but since their break-up could never. Jongin texted him at night, while Kyungsoo was busy fixing a paper for class the next day.

_“Soo! Are you home? You didn’t text me.” Jongin asked. Kyungsoo’s phone vibrated with the message, and with a grunt he flipped his phone with the screen facing downwards._

_“Not now, Jongin.” He muttered to himself, pulling his hair in frustration. The paper he was supposed to fix had too much holes in its argument, the sentences were not structured correctly, and he was losing time. Answering Jongin would not help._

_His phone vibrated again. Another message from Jongin. “Soo…I miss you. I know you’re busy but I’ll be waiting.” The message on the notification said._

_Kyungsoo disregarded the message again, focused on his paper now. His hands flew on the keyboard and he started wearing his earphones, drowning in the music that was blasting through it. Kyungsoo never heard the phone ring, a call from Jongin being relegated to voicemail._

_“Hi, Soo, sorry I know you’re busy but I miss your voice. I want to see you again. Please answer when you hear this.”_

_“Kyungie…Are you still there? I miss you. Call me back please.”_

_“Kyung hyung, I love you. Don’t forget it!”_

_“I wish I was there with you. Please answer, I really want to hear your voice right now.”_

_“Please answer me if you’re finished.”_

_“Call me, please?”_

_There were several texts more before Kyungsoo finally found the urge to answer._

_“I was doing my paper, sorry. Hey. I miss you too.”_

_But by then Jongin was sleeping, his hand a mere inch away from his phone which vibrated. Being the deep sleeper that he was, Jongin only saw it the next day._

Kyungsoo passed the subject, alright. But since then, Jongin started to become distant. Kyungsoo knew this was the sacrifice that he was going to take. Jongin would understand, right? He would come back ‘round, because he loved Kyungsoo. And Kyungsoo would take back all the time that he had wasted and catch up with Jongin, so that Kyungsoo would be the one who would instigate dates or create time for themselves. To catch up. To be _that_ couple again. He didn’t know that Jongin was thinking of the opposite, that the time he spent on Kyungsoo ignoring him would never come back. That all their lives they would live like this, be in a relationship that was with one loving the other too much, until destruction.

And so Jongin, feeling like the first and only love he ever felt would lead him to heartache, thought that he was wrong. That this love isn’t like the other loves that he’d felt; only now he was the one being left alone instead of the other way around. Kyungsoo wasn’t different from the other’s he’d dated before. He understood, now, what love brings to people. What heartaches feel like. He was right all along: his guards should have been up even before. So he raised them, as high as he could, around the only person that he ever truly felt something for.

"You know what haunted me when we broke up? Your eyes, Jongin. They were empty." Kyungsoo says after a moment of silence between the two. “There was nothing left for me there to come back to, was there?”

“How could you say that when the only time I’ve ever truly felt anything close to love was when I was with you?” Jongin questioned back. He lets out a huff of breath, disbelief on his face. The waiter on the restaurant clears out their plates, the crowd seemingly uninterested in them.

Kyungsoo closes his eyes. There it is again. That he was the only one Jongin really loved. That he was the one that Jongin felt he could face his fears with. Kyungsoo knew that he had a fear of committing, which was why he was so shocked when they made it that far. With every sinking of that idea on Kyungsoo’s brain he feels light-headed. What if he was really the one who broke their relationship first? That seed of doubt, again.

“If I was the one you truly loved then why did you let me go? Because you were scared of falling in love too hard, too fast? I don’t buy that for a second.” Kyungsoo says, almost threatening.

Jongin suddenly says, looking at him directly, his hands flat on the table. “That’s the only thing I could think of that was nearest to what I felt like during that time. I was scared that you didn’t think I was worth to be beside you. That I loved you too much. I was becoming those people who I left before you came along. After I realized that I… things just went downhill.”

“You know that I did those things because I thought that I had a future with you.” Kyungsoo started, his gaze far. “I thought that if I could get good grades, then I could get a job, then I could be with you comfortably, and we could live together and have a family of our own.” He trains his eyes back to Jongin. “You, on the other hand—”

“I know.” Jongin answers, much to the shock of Kyungsoo. His face never betrays it, though. “I just wanted for us to spend the moment together. You were so focused on the future while I was trained to look at the present. You thought it was for the best, I thought it was ruining us at the moment.”

Kyungsoo lifts his hand and as the waiter comes, orders for a latte.

“And how about you, sir?” The waiter asks Jongin.

“No, I’ll have a glass of water, thank you.”

He hasn’t changed.

Kyungsoo remembers the first proper date that they had, where Jongin ordered coffee even though he didn’t like its taste, and Kyungsoo laughing at the expressions the other made.

_“Hyung, what is this?” Jongin asks, his face contorted into a grimace. Kyungsoo, meanwhile, sipped on his iced Americano quite leisurely._

_“That’s latte already, Jongin. It’s almost fifty percent milk.” Kyungsoo fake complained. “You shouldn’t have ordered that if you didn’t like the taste of it.” In his mind, though, Kyungsoo was really happy that Jongin would order his most hated drink just so he could be with his hyung a while longer. School has just let out for the summer. He and Jongin had been really close since middle school and now that it’s his first year in high school, Jongin asked Kyungsoo for some pointers and tips to survive, given that the latter is one year ahead of him. Kyungsoo’s always happy to help, especially if it’s Jongin._

_“But hyung likes it, so I ordered it.” Jongin shyly said, sipping (and grimacing) again._

_“You don’t have to finish it!” Kyungsoo said, putting down his drink and making Jongin put his down too. “It’s alright, we should go get ice cream instead.” Before Kyungsoo could stand, however, Jongin held the smaller’s wrist to make him sit down._

_“No! Just… let’s stay here. And talk.” Jongin insisted._

_“Alright.” Kyungsoo said, taking his drink again. “How’s you and your girlfriend going?”_

_“I don’t have a girlfriend anymore, hyung.” Jongin says nonchalantly. Before Kyungsoo could even say “I’m sorry”, Jongin added: “I do have a crush on someone, though.”_

_“Ah, really?” Kyungsoo leaned forward, his eyes mischievous. “Tell hyung who is it!“_

_Sometimes, Jongin doesn’t really know what’s going on in his mind. But as Kyungsoo leaned forward and asked, he couldn’t help himself._

_A small kiss in a small café was all it took._

_“I think I’m in love with you, hyung.”_

Kyungsoo smiles at the memory, then momentarily smiles at Jongin. He takes a deep, long breath.

There comes a time in a person’s life where they know and feel that they have let everything go, because nothing is going to change. Some things are just supposed to be what ifs, or how abouts. There are people in this lifetime that you only meet once, and never meet again. And there are people who, no matter how hard you try, are just there to pass by and give you strength in times that you needed it the most, and then walk away. Kyungsoo realizes this now, in front of the person that he loved.

Still, loves.

Kyungsoo would never deny fact again, even to himself. He loves Jongin, and if he wanted to he could ask Jongin back, he could beg for Jongin. Even just for one day. His heart wanted him to. But he knew better. He knew that if he would ask or beg for Jongin to come back, he would still be left alone because at the end of the day, he was in love with the thought of Jongin but not _at_ Jongin. Kyungsoo knew better than to sacrifice his pride and self-esteem for a day with the guy that broke his heart, which he never regretted. Kyungsoo nods to Jongin.

The smaller of the two reached out and tentatively placed his hand over Jongin’s, then took it back again. “Hey. It was nice meeting you. It was nice getting to talk to you again.” Kyungsoo started. “I’m sorry that I said many hurtful things, things that you might not have deserved. But know that I was hurt—no, I _am_ hurt. I am hurting still over those eight years that we spent together that was just thrown away, like it was disgusting. Like garbage. Sickly sweet, then foul.” His heart shaped lips stretch slowly, until it becomes a warm smile. “But now after seeing you, I realize that this is what I needed. Proper closure. A chance to be able to tell you what I feel. And now that I did, I feel lighter, and better. I am ready, now. To live a life that is devoid of hurt and full of love and happiness. I deserve the happiness I know I lost years ago. I will try to get it back, catch up with all of it. And I hope that you do to, Jongin. I hope you find love.

“Kyungsoo…” Jongin says shakily. He had one thing he was dying to ask Kyungsoo ever since they started talking. “Will you ever forgive me?”

“I forgive you, Jongin. I have always forgiven you.”

He stands, and Jongin does too. They walk out into the streets, fresh air on their lungs and a new perspective on their minds.

“C— can I have a hug?” Jongin asks tentatively.

Kyungsoo smiles at him then offers his hand instead. “Let’s just shake on it, yes?”

Jongin takes Kyungsoo’s hand and shakes it, twice, before Kyungsoo decides against his head. He closes the two-step gap between them and tiptoes, giving a soft kiss on Jongin’s cheek.

Jongin decides that it’s now or never.

“I still love you, Kyungsoo.” He whispers, his eyes closed.

The smaller of the two walks back and smiles, then nods.

“I have always loved you, Jongin. But it’s time to wake up from this dream and live our lives the way we want it to be.” Kyungsoo says after a moment. “We were beautiful, and for that I thank you. Goodbye, Kim Jongin.”

As Kyungsoo walks away, lifting his head to smell the breeze, a tear falls from his eyes to his cheek.

As Kyungsoo walks away, Jongin stares at the retreating figure, getting smaller and smaller as the distance grows. He wants to run to Kyungsoo, to hug him, to tell him that love was only true with him, but he can’t. Jongin knew he can’t bear to fuck it up again, can’t bear to see Kyungsoo crying over him again. The familiar pain in his chest was gnawing at him but he let it be.

As Kyungsoo walks away, leaving the hurt, Jongin’s knees buckle beneath him and he is lost, silently shedding tears as he remembers that this is how love works, and that the love of his life, the only person he has said “I love you” to and meant it, was walking away from him and his life. Perhaps permanently.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hi! Uh, I hope no one fights (?) trying to reason out one side against another; that was quite intentional. Also, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! It was an absolute delight as I don't usually write angst fics in general, and if I do they sort of become fluff at the end. Thank you so much for reading it! ♥


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